It is that time again when I have come to a crossroad of thoughts - which should I believe? which should I follow?
I have allowed my feelings to control my actions & the result is far from good. It seems that all "good things" that I have worked so hard for have gone to waste. But no, that is not entirely true, in the aspect of growth. All experiences good & bad make up our character & personality. It is true I have wasted much time. I hate to but I must confess, I have done many many foolish things. I don't even know why I do the things I do sometimes.
There seem to be a fine line between acknowledging a weakness in us & dwelling upon it. I believe recognizing & acknowledging our weaknesses followed-up by effort for improvement is the key to progress. Shortcuts always seem the best - camouflage is usually the way we go. But when we do that, hiding a part of us from everyone, it sometimes become a cause for insecurity, also linked closely to fear. Fear of our weaknesses being exposed. Sometimes what we fear most is not even real, if not, very much exaggerated.
Today I experienced a similar situation. I have some issues with how things are mismanaged very badly for the past several months, & to return the "favour", I finally became rebellious. It is true that things should be far better, but now I know that no matter how dire the situation was, I lost the battle when I neglected my part. Imagine both parties not doing their part. It is just sad. I have been reflecting a lot since yesterday night, calling to God for help & I can say He definitely heard me.
Today I was led to expose my many weaknesses - to someone I dislike. It wasn't easy at all I assure you. At that moment it was horrifying! Now I feel strangely at peace. Throughout the conversation, both parties were arguing & it seems that both reject the other's ideas & response. I don't know how, but it turned out okay. I now have a new resolve - to refocus & to fix what I have neglected, regardless of circumstances. It makes sense to think that way because the only thing that we can control is how we react (overused saying). Overnight change is nearly impossible but with training, discipline & God in mind, I want to take one step at a time.
Another note to self is - No matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect. So maybe it is misleading to try & achieve perfection all the time. No one is perfect but He. My wish now is for progress. To progress from where I am to where He is, even just a little. Let not my pride be in the way any longer.
I just need to have a little faith. Hope is renewed yet again & I can wish for no more today but to share the good news :)
May peace be with us.
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