Nevertheless, Still a Part of Me

It is that time again when I have come to a crossroad of thoughts - which should I believe? which should I follow?

I have allowed my feelings to control my actions & the result is far from good. It seems that all "good things" that I have worked so hard for have gone to waste. But no, that is not entirely true, in the aspect of growth. All experiences good & bad make up our character & personality. It is true I have wasted much time. I hate to but I must confess, I have done many many foolish things. I don't even know why I do the things I do sometimes.

There seem to be a fine line between acknowledging a weakness in us & dwelling upon it. I believe recognizing & acknowledging our weaknesses followed-up by effort for improvement is the key to progress. Shortcuts always seem the best - camouflage is usually the way we go. But when we do that, hiding a part of us from everyone, it sometimes become a cause for insecurity, also linked closely to fear. Fear of our weaknesses being exposed. Sometimes what we fear most is not even real, if not, very much exaggerated.

Today I experienced a similar situation. I have some issues with how things are mismanaged very badly for the past several months, & to return the "favour", I finally became rebellious. It is true that things should be far better, but now I know that no matter how dire the situation was, I lost the battle when I neglected my part. Imagine both parties not doing their part. It is just sad. I have been reflecting a lot since yesterday night, calling to God for help & I can say He definitely heard me.

Today I was led to expose my many weaknesses - to someone I dislike. It wasn't easy at all I assure you. At that moment it was horrifying! Now I feel strangely at peace. Throughout the conversation, both parties were arguing & it seems that both reject the other's ideas & response. I don't know how, but it turned out okay. I now have a new resolve - to refocus & to fix what I have neglected, regardless of circumstances. It makes sense to think that way because the only thing that we can control is how we react (overused saying). Overnight change is nearly impossible but with training, discipline & God in mind, I want to take one step at a time.

Another note to self is - No matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect. So maybe it is misleading to try & achieve perfection all the time. No one is perfect but He. My wish now is for progress. To progress from where I am to where He is, even just a little. Let not my pride be in the way any longer.

I just need to have a little faith. Hope is renewed yet again & I can wish for no more today but to share the good news :)

May peace be with us.

*****

A Message

Just the other day, I was feeling down over a lost friendship, that's when I saw this -


"Don't worry about the people from your past... There is a reason why they didn't make it to your future."


It struck me then, & I'm glad I saw what I saw. I then was reminded why it didn't work out. Sad but true. Special it was our memories but I'd keep it at that, nothing more. Thanks for the memories, it was bittersweet in a good way. 


Let God be the center of my life, as the passage I read today says - 

I should like you to have your mind free from all worry...

...give your undivided attention to the Lord"

                                                                - 1 Corinthians 7:32, 35

Peace be with you :)

*****

Over

Still not over it. sigh* I wish I get over it soon...

Time heals huh? But it sure is taking it's sweet time :(

Fight On!

Staying up late today means that I have broken my new year's resolution to sleep earlier every night haha... But then, in exchange I'm keeping another resolution - to steer my career path closer to my dreams :)

Again, I've been putting things off. To put it bluntly, I wanted to look for a new job. Been busier since my Makeup course started phew* Haven't even been sleeping enough, not eating right too hmmm... Still not too bad tho, I rem years ago I used to be prone to gastric, tho mild, need to watch it still.

And so....right now...! I'm done with updating my resume & browsing through job offers, things are lookin bright :) Admittedly, nothing specific in mind, but hmmm... not too long ago, an old dream of mine that I thought had died years ago suddenly sufficed after a chat with a certain friend. I may not express my feelings very well, but deep down, I was deeply touched for someone to believe in my gift so much. Even though I don't think my gift is anything great but your encouragement has moved something in me. Thankful & grateful.

I strongly agree with a statement I saw somewhere recently -

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: 
the fear of failure.

There is too many uncertainties, perhaps I should remind myself again to take the next step instead of worrying too much of what lies ahead no matter how real it is. Step by step, little by little, the important thing I think is to keep on moving forward, focusing on making every decision the right one. Make wrong ones & mistakes here & there surely & inevitably but I'll strive to go on anyway. It seems all so difficult to me. Thankfully, what is impossible with men is made possible in God. Persevere Glo!

God bless.


*****

Where do I go from here...?

It's true, when one door closes, another door opens. As long as I fix my eyes on the door that is closing no matter how much I try to keep it open, it will continue to drain my energy & life off of me. At the moment when I lost interest in keeping it open, that's when I started to let go of the door handle... & that's when I start looking for another door, some of which may have been there all along. It's like that. Many times a catalyst is all that is required to trigger a reaction. Like a ripple, one action leads to another. the ripples only get bigger. Do not think that just because things are fine now, it will be forever. In fact, it's scarier when everything seems okay when the fact is it's an open secret that something is amiss. That may just mean that by the time it's too big to turn a blind eye, it might just be too late. Ignorance is not always a bliss.

Well now the question is... where do I go from here...?

How do I know the way if I do not know where the place is? He says He is the way. At least I know where to start.

One verse came into mind. One that my dad used to quote to me at the right times -

"Seek yee first the kingdom of God & His righteousness, & all these things shall be added unto you."


*****

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

*****

Unmoved

For the first time in my life I went for a jog 30 minutes past midnight. Not bad.

Too much tension built up inside & feeling like I'll explode any second, I rushed home & got myself ready....and off I went...!

Felt like something in me died. Lost the drive to work hard. Months ago I would never imagine this happening to me. Thought that my one week break would do the trick only to find out I was wrong. I tried many things especially during that one week. Yesterday was the first day after my one week break, today the second. I still feel as bad as I did before.

Tension lowered physically but mentally tired still. I thought I've moved on to another level but now it seems like I have been circling the same mountain many times. How many times will it take for me to get it right? The spirit is willing but the body is weak. Now even my spirit is at it's low time.

At this moment I just get away from here!